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The Swami/Script
is serving a long line of customers. Caitlin: "Okay. Three lemon whirlies and a blueberry sledge coming right up." works as fast as possible to get the drinks out. Stuart Goldstein: "Miss? Miss? Why are you looking the other way?" is looking the other way because she has to concentrate on what she's doing. Caitlin: "I'll be right with you!" Stuart Goldstein: "Excuse me?" Caitlin: another customer "Okay. You wanted two lemonades, right?" Blonde Wave Girl: with the line "I can't believe it." Usher: "No." Customer: "Hey!" Caitlin: "I said, I'll be right with you!" Blonde Wave Girl: "Ugh!" Customer: "Hey!" Punk: "This–" Usher: "Look–" Caitlin: "I'm blending as fast as I can!" customers start to whirl before her, and their complaints blend together into a soup. Caitlin loses it. Caitlin: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! That's it! I can't take it anymore! Find your own juice!" slams the Big Squeeze shut, depriving the customers of their drinks. ---- is reading a magazine. The Big Squeeze is still shut. Caitlin opens it a crack. Caitlin: "Psst! Nikki! Are the customers gone?" Nikki: "Hmm? Oh yeah, they gave up a while ago." Caitlin: sighing "Finally. I thought they'd never leave." the smoothie machine to clean it out "There must be more to life than this. I mean, I have so much to offer the world! My talent with accessories–" Nikki: her "Mmm." Caitlin: "My best mushy girl movies of all time collection of DVDs–" Nikki: to ignore her "Mmm." Caitlin: "My encyclopedic knowledge of all the different shades of pink nail polish?" Nikki: up "Uh-huh. You know my policy: whenever I hear you talk about pink things, I leave the area immediately." performs this policy. Caitlin: "Fine. Go then. I'll just go back to scooping crud from a smoothie machine! Ugh, this is so not fair! If I hear one person call me miss, I'm gonna go completely mental." New Customer: "Miss?" seethes and turns around, spatula raised, ready to seriously injure this offender. New Customer: "Could I have a lemon smoothie, please?" stops and smiles. The customer is a cute guy. Caitlin: "Hel-lo." giggles flirtatiously. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The Swami' ---- ''throws the spatula away so she can talk to the guy more normally. Caitlin: "Hi. I'm Caitlin. I work here." Jeff: "Yeah. I guessed that. I'm Jeff." Caitlin: "I know. You go to my school and work at the Willows & Williams on Level 3 on Thursdays and Saturdays. So..." Jeff: "So...about that smoothie?" Caitlin: "You wanna go for one? I'm supposed to be on for the next hour, but what the heck." Jeff: "Actually, I meant the one I ordered." Caitlin: sheepish "Oh...right." puts her hat back on. Jeff: "You know, don't worry about it. I'm already late. Seeya." leaves. Caitlin sadly watches him go before turning around and running into the open smoothie machine. Caitlin: unhappy "Way to go. That was really smooth." out to mop the floor "Could this be any worse?" steps in a puddle of spilled lemon drink and slips, falling on her hiney. Caitlin: "Ow!" her back "I had to ask." arrives, carrying several leaflets. Jonesy: "Check it out! I just scored the best gig at the mall." Caitlin: "Right. Just rub it in, why don't you." Jonesy: the Big Squeeze with leaflets "I'm gonna leave a few of these with you. Tell your customers!" leaves, and Wyatt walks up. He takes a seat at the usual table. Wyatt: "Hey girl. What's up?" Caitlin: "My life sucks, that's what! I need something to inspire me." Wyatt: "What's that flier for?" Caitlin: "Just some new job Jonesy has. Ugh, I hate it when people stick things to my lemon." picks up a flier. "What's he up to this week?" reading "Do you need to be inspired? Swami Bindi has the answers." Wyatt: "Not one of those self-help gurus." Caitlin: "No, listen! It says he's helped millions discover their inner power. And he'll be here tomorrow!" Wyatt: "It's just a big scam. You can't make your life better." Caitlin: "I work in a giant lemon, Wyatt. I just embarrassed myself in front of yet another guy. He can't make it worse. It's time for a little positive change." ---- large crowd has gathered to see the swami. Backstage, Jonesy peers out. He's on the phone. Jonesy: "You can't do this to me! I have a huge crowd waiting to hear your stupid words of wisdom! What do you mean you're too depressed to leave your hotel room? We're paying for that hotel room! Listen, you better haul your swami butt down here, or I'm gonna provide you with an out-of-body exper–" swami hangs up. "Swami? Swami! Ugh!" Jude: "Dude, digging the funky curtains." pulls him forward. "Whoa, hey, easy bro. 'Sup?" Jonesy: "I scored this wicked job booking special appearances and my first one just bailed on me. I'm so toast!" Jude: "Bummer. But look on the bright side." Jonesy: "What bright side?" Jude: "I still like you." Jonesy: "Dude, that just doesn't help me here, but I appreciate it. Ugh. I can't believe Swami Bindi punked out on me." Jude: "Only punks get punked, man." Jonesy: "Aren't spiritual dudes like, bound to not do bad things, like cancel appearances?" Jude: "I dunno. Guess nobody's perfect." Jonesy: "Focus, Jonesy, focus! What I need is somebody who can pretend to be a guru." Jude: "You know what they say: the best glimpse of paradise is in that second before you bail. You'll think of something." Jonesy: "Somebody who can say stupid stuff that sounds profound enough to fool the crowd." Jude: "Hey, did you know that gerbils and hamsters can't have babies together, but they both like lettuce?" Jonesy: he has the perfect guru "Wise words, Swami Jude." Jude: "Thanks, I–" out what Jonesy's thinking "Oh-ho-ho, no way dude." Jonesy: "I will owe you big time!" Jude: "I'm not a swami! They'll never believe me!" Jonesy: "Are you kidding? Those losers would believe anything!" ---- losers have crowded in to hear the swami. Caitlin, Nikki, Jen, and Kirsten have seats in the front. Nikki: "Why did I let you drag me to this? I hope nobody sees me." Caitlin: "He's the hottest motivational speaker in the country! I've gotta reverse my bad karma." Jen: "Okay, I know things haven't exactly been going your way lately, but do you really think this guy has answers that you couldn't come up with on your own?" Nikki: "She's too busy matching her shoes with her skirts." Jen: "Nikki!" Nikki: "Wha-I'm kidding! Sort of." Caitlin: "Good clothing can open doors, you know. Ssh! I think it's about to start." Nikki: "This better be worth my five bucks." Jonesy: the swami "Ladies and gentlemen, you have all come here today seeking wisdom, fulfillment and spiritual guidance. A chance to change your sorry lives for the better. You will not be disappointed!" Nikki: muttering "I already am." Caitlin: "Ssh!" Jonesy: "Liars, cheaters, lazy people, and general losers of all shapes and sizes, this is your day!" Caitlin: "Which one of those am I?" Jonesy: "His advice has apparently helped millions of people just like yourselves. It is my pleasure to welcome...the Swami!" peeps out, dressed in a sash, turban, and orange skirt. The crowd gasps. Jude: at the size of the crowd "Whoa..." Caitlin, Jen, and Nikki: "Jude?!?" finds his way to the microphone. Jude: "Um...hey dudes. I am Swami Jude. Swami Bindi couldn't make it today because he uh, fell on his chakra, so he sent me instead, 'cause I'm, uh..." Jonesy: from the wings "His apprentice!" Jude: "His appendage." crowd begins to laugh, and then to murmur. "It's uh, cool to be here." Nikki: up "Jude! Get off that stage, right now!" Jude: "I, uh–" starts to leave but Jonesy threatens him from the wings. "Oh." Nikki: "Get off the stage!" crowd grows louder with their complaints. Usher: "Off the stage pal, get off the stage, bye bye." Coach Halder: "Skateboard park is in the back, son." Jude: "But life is like a skateboard park, and the dudes and chicks are merely skaters." crowd gasps, thinking that the fake swami may be onto something, and settles down. Jonesy: from the wings "That's it, dude! More like that!" Jude: back "I don't know any more like that! I didn't even know I knew that one!" Caitlin: "That's so profound!" Jen: "Oh, brother." Nikki: "Here we go." Jude: "We're all actors. Some of us are like Keanu Reaves, or Elisha Cuthbert–" Caitlin: "Yes! That sounds like me!" Jude: "–and some of us are hairy, aggressive, physically unappealing people who will never be more than character actors." Coach Halder: "Ooh! Yes! It's like he knows me!" Jude: "You either get the role or you don't. I just say it's cool, man, I can dig it." crowd cheers wildly and applauds. Caitlin: applauding "Yes! I get it! Did you know he was so smart?" Nikki: "Whoa, uh, okay, never thought I'd hear that." Jonesy: onstage "Okay everybody, Swami Jude will now take your questions, don't be afraid, step up to the mike!" grabs him. Jude: whispering "No way dude." Jonesy: whispering "Yes way! Just say whatever comes into your mind! They're lapping it up!" Julie: "Um, how can I get a better job?" Jude: "Being positive helps. Like, think of the doughnut and not the hole." Julie: "I'll apply at Gooey Cream Doughnuts! That's much cooler than Wonder Taco." Jude: "Okay then." Carson: "How can I get chicks to dig me?" Jude: "Uh, try laying low and being cool, like the dirt. Dir''ty,'' if you will." Carson: "I see what you're saying, so like, I'll never take another bath again!" Jude: "Excellent, dude. Smell ya later." Coach Halder: "Coach Halder here! I feel like people never see the real me: a sensitive caring bundle of love. How can I be more open to the MVPs in my life?" Jude: "I hear you, dude. It's kinda like a bald man with a hairy back. When he's got a shirt on, you'd think he didn't have any hair. But then you go swimming and it's like, whoa, a whole new dude. My advice? Swim dude. Swim like a fish." Halder quivers with emotion before ripping his shirt off, revealing an incredibly hairy body. Coach Halder: "Love me, world!" (for him) "Love me." crowd gasps and everyone shields their eyes. Coach Halder: off gleefully "I am a hairy bundle of love! I am!" takes the microphone. Nikki: "Yo, swami." Jude: "Um, yeah?" Nikki: "Didn't I see you working at Stick It in the food court?" crowd gasps. Jude: "I–" Nikki: grabbed by Ron "Hey!" carries Nikki away, using his hand to cover her mouth. Jonesy has a walkie-talkie in his hand. Jonesy: the walkie-talkie "Thanks for the pickup, Smokey." the crowd "Who's next?" is next. Caitlin: "Okay, so I'm totally into this guy who doesn't know that I'm alive. What should I do, swami?" Jude: "Tell him you're alive. That's what I'd do first." Caitlin: "Wow! I never thought of that! What a great idea!" Jonesy: up to the microphone "That's all for now. To purchase a transcript of today's show or a collection of wise sayings from Swami Jude, see me backstage." drags Jude backstage as the crowd cheers. Jude: "That was kinda cool, having all those people listening to everything I said." Jonesy: his laptop "Yeah, now let's get to work!" Jude: "But I just finished working." Jonesy: "You heard me! We have to get some of your words of wisdom down on paper for all those suckers out there. Now start talking." Jude: "'Kay. How about 'Always smell something before you bite it'?" Jonesy: "Beautiful! Okay. When confronted with change..." Jude: "Uh, always bring a change purse?" Jonesy: typing "Gold, Jude, gold!" Jude: "Don't stick your hand in a pony's mouth!" stops. Jonesy: "Weird." resumes typing. "But who cares?" ---- long line of people are waiting to buy stuff related to Swami Jude. Jen and Nikki are at the back of the line. Nikki: "Am I crazy, or did that make absolutely no sense whatsoever?" Jen: "None! I'm kind of worried about Caitlin." the front of the line, Caitlin is practicing on Coach Halder. Caitlin: "Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I'm alive! How was that?" Coach Halder: "Touchdown!" Nikki: "Don't worry. Only a complete loser would actually take Jude's advice." on cue, Kristen and Kirsten walk past. Kristen: "Teach us, swami!" Kirsten: "We're like, humble to learn at your feet!" Nikki: "I rest my case." returns to them, clutching one of Jonesy's tomes. Caitlin: "Can you believe it? Only 19.99 for all this wisdom!" Nikki: a gasp "What a deal!" Caitlin: "I'm gonna get a date with Jeff!" Nikki: "With that advice? I don't think so." Caitlin: "Look, I've tried just being me, I always make a total idiot of myself! Maybe this'll work." leaves. Jen: "Wait! Caitlin!" sighing "Look at it this way: you do enjoy being right." Nikki: "Hmm. That's true." ---- looks in the window of Willows and Williams. She sees Jeff helping a customer. Caitlin: herself "It's now or never." Halder runs through the mall, shirtless and happy. Coach Halder: "I'm a new man! Look at me now, world!" Ron: him, into his walkie-talkie "I need backup. Large, hairy-backed man on the run." arrives behind Jeff. He doesn't notice, as he is busy seeing off his customer. Jeff: "Have a nice day." Yummy Mummy: "Bye." Caitlin: loud "Hi! My name is Caitlin! I am alive!" Jeff: "Uh...I can see that." is wearing a large, slightly creepy smile. Jeff stares at her, and she stares back. Her grin starts to wilt. Caitlin's Thoughts: Carpe diem. Grab the fish by the horns. Okay. Jeff: the silence "So..." Caitlin: "Let's go out on a date!" Jeff: "Okay, sure. Next weekend is good–" Caitlin: "No, tonight. El Sporto's. Eight o'clock." Jeff: chuckling "Okay, okay." exits the store. Nikki and Jen find her. Jen: to comfort "Caitlin. How did it go?" Nikki: "You didn't embarrass yourself too much in there, did you?" Caitlin: "Are you kidding? Thanks to Jude, I have a date with Jeff tonight!" Nikki: stunned "Wow." Caitlin: "Excuse me. I have to prepare." leaves to get ready. Nikki: "That's a shocker. It's a good thing this isn't a TV show." Jen: "Why?" Nikki: "'Cause if it was, everything would go horribly wrong after the commercial break." Jen: "Yeah. Good thing." ---- ladder leans up against the sign for Spin This. Wyatt exhales nervously and starts climbing. Wyatt: "It's just a little ladder. I can do this." looks up, and his vision wavers. Wyatt falls off of the ladder. Luckily, he was only one rung up. Wyatt: "I can't do this." Caitlin: "You can't do what?" is wearing a nice pink dress. She is fully ready for her date. Wyatt: "I'm supposed to change the letters on this sign, but I'm afraid of heights." Caitlin: giggling "It's just a little ladder!" Wyatt: "Thanks. A little more humiliation is just what I needed." Caitlin: "Okay, I'm sorry. But you can do it the swami way!" Wyatt: "The what way?" Caitlin: a sheet of paper from her purse "The swami way. See? 'Fear is totally like a goldfish. If you feed it, it'll grow bigger. And when it dies, you won't be able to flush it down the toilet.'" Wyatt: "Wow. That was profound. I think." Caitlin: "Wyatt, do you want your fear to get so big it won't go down the toilet?" Wyatt: "No?" Caitlin: "Are you ready to climb that ladder?" Wyatt: "Uh, maybe?" Caitlin: "Wyatt. Don't feed the goldfish. Get up that ladder now!" Wyatt: "Alright!" confidentally climbs the ladder. Caitlin: herself "Thank you, Swami Jude." Wyatt: the top of the ladder "Swami who? Caitlin?" doesn't hear. "Hello?" ---- the Khaki Barn, Kristen and Kirsten are playing a trivia game over their Swami Jude knowledge. Kirsten: "Swami Says, are you seeing the hole?" Kristen: "I'm seeing the doughnut. Swami Says, are you Keanu or some ugly character actor?" Kirsten: "Keanu. Keanu, Keanu!" Nikki: sighing "Why me?" Kirsten: Kristen a shirt "Fold it like Keanu would." Kristen: "Oh, I'm so totally folding it like Keanu." Nikki: "End it now!" slams her head into the sales counter a couple of times. "Ow." ---- is doing another performance. Crowd: "Swami Jude! Swami Jude! Swami Jude! Swami Jude!" holds up his hands to calm them down, and a few stragglers yell out his name one more time. Stragglers: "Swami Jude!" Jude: "Always eat a hot dog from one end or the other. The middle is not an option." crowd is impressed. Jonesy gives Jude a thumbs up. Coach Halder: "Ooh! Wow!" ---- is still stuck up the ladder. A small crowd has formed. Fat Guy: "Ten bucks says he falls." Carson: "Ten says he jumps." Fat Guy: "You're on." Carson: to Wyatt "C'mon, dude, jump!" Fat Guy: "Fall, man, fall!" Wyatt: "Go away!" tries to wave them off and almost loses his balance. The two laugh as Wyatt latches on to the ladder, panting heavily with fear. ---- waitress marches up to Caitlin and Jeff's table angrily. Waitress: "Vere are your stinking menus! I vill be back for your order!" Caitlin: "Was she Russian last week? And grumpy?" shrugs and opens his menu. Caitlin does the same. She surreptitiously opens her purse and puts the sheet inside the menu. Jeff: "So, have you thought about what college you want to go to?" Caitlin: "Uh...the smaller, heavier one?" Jeff: chuckling "That's funny. No, really." Caitlin: "Uh, well, reality is like a boat, and, you know, boats float away too." Jeff: somewhat disturbed "Yeah." ---- is still stuck up the ladder. Stanley kicks it, making it quiver, and everyone laughs. Wyatt: "Make it stop! Make it stop!" Nikki: arriving "Alright, next one who laughs wears my shoe home in their butt." laughter immediately subsides. Stanley looks at his butt nervously. Nikki: to Wyatt "Okay, I'm calling the fire department. We've got to get you down from there!" Wyatt: "No! If Serena sees them rescue me, she'll think I'm a total wuss!" Nikki: "Wyatt, I think that ship has sailed. Why did you go up there? You know you're afraid of heights!" Wyatt: "I wasn't going to, but Caitlin came along and motivated me!" Nikki: "Caitlin?" Wyatt: "Yeah, she started going on about this motivational swami, and before I knew it I was motivated up this ladder!" Nikki: angry "Jude!" ---- is still looking at her menu. Jeff: "Do you know what you want to eat?" Caitlin: "Well I was going to order the burrito, but a wise man once told me that that could be read as me being closed off to new ideas." Jeff: perturbed "Okay then." Waitress: "Vat is your stinking order?" Jeff: "I'll have the burrito." Caitlin: "Taco salad." waitress takes the menus, along the way stealing Caitlin's sheet. Caitlin: "Oh no..." to come up with something "Life is like a taco salad, you know." Jeff: "How so?" Caitlin: "Uh...I don't know. I'll be right back." rushes off. ---- Jude: lecturing "And monkeys are just like us, only dumber. So be nice to 'em!" crowd oohs and aahs over this newest revelation. Caitlin grabs Jude and leads him offstage. Caitlin: "Swami! I need your help. Now." Jude: goodbye "I'll be right back, loyal followers!" Jonesy: after them "Hey! Private sessions are extra." ---- is waiting for Caitlin, bored. Caitlin is instructing Jude. Caitlin: "...so you just hide behind that bush and tell me what I should say." Jonesy: "This is gonna cost you." Caitlin: "Bill me." returns to her table. "Sorry. I had to make a phone call." Jeff: worried "An emergency?" Caitlin: "Ah, well, you know what they say about emergencies..." Jude: whispering "Emergencies are like pantsuits. Nobody looks good in 'em." Caitlin: "They're like pantsuits. Nobody looks good in them." Jeff: unsure "Yeah. Right. So, what kind of music do you like?" Caitlin: "Uh–" Jude: whispering "I like it loud and radical, dude!" Caitlin: "I like it loud and radical, dude!" realizes what she said. Jeff: "Wow. I wouldn't have expected that from you." Caitlin: "I guess I'm just a loud and radical kind of girl!" approaches Jude from behind. Jeff: "Do you like working at the Squeeze?" Caitlin: "Um..." yanks Jude's skirt up. Jude: whispering "Ow! You're giving me a wedgie, dude!" Caitlin: "You're giving me a wedgie dude!" gasps. Jeff: his phone "Whoa! Is that the time?" Jude: dragged off by his ear "Man! What is it with girls and ears today?" Nikki: "Just move it." Jonesy: "What are you doing? My client is paying good money for a private consultation!" Nikki: "Your client has made a mess, and your swami is gonna clean it up!" Jude: "Ouch! Ow!" at the restaurant, Jeff desperately wants to leave. Jeff: "Woosh, I totally forgot. I have so many important things to do!" Caitlin: "Like what?" Jeff: "Like...important stuff! You know." Caitlin: "Please don't go! I know I've been acting all weird, but it's only because I like you so much." begins to back away. "Oh, I should have never listened to Jude!" stops. Jeff: "You mean that guy pretending to be a famous swami? He's just some skater dude that works at Stick It!" Caitlin: "Then you know I'm not crazy! Kooky, maybe, for ever listening to him, but...in a cute way?" Jeff: "Yeah. In a cute way." ---- tries to climb down but misses the rung and quickly stays where he is. Wyatt: "AAAAHH!!!" walks up to the ladder. Ron: "What's the problem here, folks? You, get off that ladder." arrives, leading Jude. Nikki: "Well, that's kind of the problem, officer. He can't." Ron: "Can't come down? Soldier, in the war, we ate ladders like that for breakfast. I remember once, we were trapped in a foxhole. And the enemy was throwing burning ladders at us. And all we could do was eat them. Our mouths were horribly burned. So I don't want to hear 'I can't come down,' from you, you little maggot!" pokes his stomach. "Ow! What's the big idea?" Nikki: him "It's thanks to you, Swami Jude, that Wyatt is stuck up this ladder!" Jonesy: "Swami Jude can not be held responsible for the actions of his disciples." Nikki: "Zip it, or lose it!" zips his lip. "Use your wisdom to talk him down." Jude: nervous "Uh, make like you're at a disco, and get down tonight!" Wyatt: "That is the stupidest advice I've ever heard!" crowd begins to boo Jude, and they soon disperse. Jonesy: "Wait, don't go! He was only joking! The swami has a great sense of humor!" crowd has left. Jen arrives. "Thanks, Nikki." Nikki: "Bite me." Wyatt: sighing "Alright. Can you at least put on the Jumping Snails album until the fire department gets here?" Nikki: smiling "No way. That Jumping Snails album is total garbage." Wyatt: shocked "Have you listened to their lyrics? They're geniuses! You obviously missed the album's true message." Nikki: "Oh yeah. Let me summarize: waah waah, waah waah waah." Wyatt: "You're nuts!" decends to the ground. "The Jumping Snails are the cutting edge of new music! You need to listen to it again!" Nikki: "Wyatt?" Wyatt: "What?" Nikki: "You're off the ladder." Wyatt: "No way! I'm off the ladder!" away, ecstatic "I'm on the ground! I'm on the ground!" Jude: "Whoa. That was pretty smooth." Jonesy: "I'm impressed." Jen: remembering "Caitlin's still on her date! And following his advice! I'm gonna go check on her." leaves. Jonesy turns to Nikki. Jonesy: "Not bad, Nikki. I've got an opening for next week." it "Nikki the No-Nonsense Guru!" Nikki: "How about, 'No.'" leaves Jude and Jonesy behind. ---- and Jeff are having a good time on their date. Caitlin: "And then he mooned the entire store!" chuckles. Jen pops up behind him and sees them laughing. She flips Caitlin a thumbs-up, and Caitlin winks. Jeff: "That's funny!" Caitlin: "It was like something out of a movie!" ---- is by the escalators with Kristen and Kirsten. Both are wearing helmets and carrying skateboards. Jude: "Now I find riding down the escalator to be relaxing. But it's not for everyone." Kristen: "Oh we like relaxation!" Kirsten: "Is it like going to the spa?" Jude: "Close. Now follow me." drops his skateboard and skates down the escalator with ease. The blondes follow and wipe out, falling down the escalator, screaming in pain all the way. Jude: up to his friends "So I guess the escalator wasn't the best choice for beginner skaters after all." Jonesy: "With advice like that it's no wonder I got fired. I had to give everybody their money back because of you!" Jude: "Sorry, dude. Guess I'm not much of a pretend swami." Caitlin: "It worked out okay for me! I've got another date with Jeff tonight!" Jude: for her "Snap!" Nikki: Jonesy "You're just lucky no one got hurt following his stupid advice." Kirsten: "Aah!" Kristen: "We hate you, Swami Jude!" Kirsten: "Yeah, you suck!" Nikki: "Well, almost nobody." Category:Season 1